In the Abyss
by AmyJ10
Summary: His hands skim the bare skin of her stomach and he begins to feel like she could save him from his nightmares, from himself. She always was his saviour. Sam/Jack. Post Abyss.
1. Chapter 1

**A huge thank you to Kimberley for her beta skills and chat with this one.**

 **Thank you in advance to anyone who reads or reviews. I know there are issues with reviews but I do get them in email alerts so please don't be put off.**

 **Season: Set in season 6 just after Abyss. Jack is struggling to cope after his torture at the hands of Ba'al.**

 **Warnings: Dark and angsty. No fluff here. Violence, Sexual situations.**

"No!"

Sam opens her eyes and turns to her CO to see his face etched in pain as he relives his time with Ba'al. Even in his sleep he can't escape the torture, the pain. He shifts suddenly in his sleeping bag, still asleep, and she imagines he's trying to fight something or someone. "Please," he whispers, his voice breaking. Her heart breaks. The Colonel doesn't beg.

"No more…" His breath hitches and he flinches. She wants to do something but she isn't sure what. Things seem to intensify. His breathing becomes more erratic and she thinks about reaching out to him, or going to get Teal'c and then she hears his desperate plea. "No, not her. Please. Please…" He groans, almost cries something she can't recognise and suddenly he's up, eyes wide, chest heaving.

Before she can say or do anything his hands are on her, planted on either side of her face. He struggles to catch his breath and she just stares at him, wishing that she could make it better. He pulls her towards him and then his arms are wrapped around her and she's pressed against his chest. She presses her hands against his back, still unsure of what to do or say. She has never seen him like this, so vulnerable, so afraid.

He shakily moves to lie down but doesn't let go of her so she ends up on her back with his arms around her, still struggling to calm himself after whatever atrocities he'd undoubtedly relived in his nightmare. He clings to her and his fingers are digging into her skin, it's as if he's trying to convince himself that she's there. She says nothing but winces from the slight pain.

"It's okay," she whispers, finally finding her voice. He stops, freezes, his hands relax. He presses himself against her side, pulling her impossibly closer to him. His hands start to move again, slowly at first, roaming over her neck and chest, just short of touching her breasts. Now it's her turn to freeze.

He places his hand over her chest, resting just over where her heart is and he pauses, she wonders if he is trying to see if he can feel her heartbeat against her chest. He closes his eyes and his hands move lower, against her ribs, and then under her shirt. She gasps as his hand finds the bare skin of her stomach.

"Colonel," she whispers, unable to hide the concern in her voice. His hands roam her body almost desperately. This is wrong. She places her hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him, to stop him. His hot, ragged breath washes against her neck and she thinks that in another time and place this would be everything that she ever wanted. But it's not. They're in a tent, on another planet, with Teal'c and Jonas in a tent next to them.

She thinks about saying no. They have managed to avoid this moment for five years; despite every scrape, zat blast, bullet wound, even death, they have never done this. She wants him, of course she does. She loves him. She just wanted to be able to hold her head up high, to know that she had followed the rules, that she put her country first. She doesn't want what's between them to become seedy, to become dirty. She wants them to do it to do it right.

She thinks about him, about how he may react when all is said and done. Would a moment of gratification damage him further in the long run? She wants so desperately to help him, to take his pain away but she isn't sure if this is the answer. She begins to vocalise her concerns, unable to utter a syllable as he gets there first, seemingly reading her mind.

"Please," he rasps.

It's the first time that he's spoken since he woke up, he knows it's wrong but he needs her. His heart is racing. He knows that what he's doing isn't fair.

During every nightmare he wakes at the same point. They pull her into the room and Ba'al slits her throat in front of him. He needs to know that she's okay, he needs to feel her. His hands skim her stomach and he begins to feel like she could save him from his nightmares, from himself. She always was his saviour.

She should stop him, she knows that she should stop him but he's clinging to her, and his hands are shaking and she knows that he needs it.

His hands stop and he presses his forehead against hers, giving her the chance to back out. She's silent for what seems like an eternity and he begins to brace himself to move off of her when he hears her, her voice no more than a whisper.

"Jack."

She knows why he was waiting and while she'd considered staying silent and still she just can't. They've already crossed the line.

She struggles to think straight as he presses his lips against her throat. He reaches for her pants, pulling them down, away from her body. She hears click of his belt.

She can't believe that it's happening.

He pushes himself into her and she has to bite her lip to stop a cry of discomfort from escaping. She isn't ready for him. He pulls out of her and pushes back in, he tries to go slowly but every time that he closes his eyes he sees her lifeless body and hears Ba'al roaring with laughter. He grunts into neck as he presses himself into her as deeply as he can. He's desperately trying to find some peace and he'll do anything to silence the monsters in his head.

She closes her eyes as his fingers dig into her hips. She knows that he needs this, to be buried deep inside her. His teeth graze her neck; she gasps and clasps his shoulders. She feels herself starting to respond and the discomfort of the first few thrusts is all but a memory as the realisation of what they're finally doing sinks in. She hears him groan as he easily slides into her this time, her arousal evident. She bites her lip as he thrusts into her again, harder than before. She feels him start to lose it and knows that he is close. She can hear him whispering something but struggles comprehend as her senses start to ignite.

"I'm sorry," he whispers again and again, his voice filled with pain. He holds her hips in place and moves in and out of her frantically. Then, as quickly as it began, it's over. He collapses on top of her seconds after he cums, still murmuring his apology. She doesn't move.

She feels him sag against her body and knows that the realisation of what they've done is sinking in. Guilt will hit him right away, and she knows that the self-loathing will kick in right after. She won't allow him to use this as another method of torturing himself. He is a good man.

After a few moments he moves to push himself off of her but she holds him in place and he stays. He's still inside of her.

"It's okay," her voice shakes as she whispers and presses her lips against the side of his head. "It's okay."

I am thinking about a sequel to this. I would love to hear what you think.


	2. Selfish

**I love them when they're dark and twisty! This chapter explores that.**

 **Thank you for the reviews and to those who have read so far.**

Sam sits in her car outside his house. It feels like she's been there for hours trying to decide if she should go in or not. She had been itching to check on him since he had gone off on a young lieutenant who had stumbled into him, almost knocking him to the ground. Daniel had reached to steady him and he had flinched, not enough for others to notice but she'd seen. Daniel couldn't hide the shock on his face when the colonel had shrugged off his helping hand and stormed straight towards the young soldier, tearing shreds off of him for not looking where he was going.

She had wanted to reach for him then, to walk him to a quiet room and to speak to him, not only for his sake but for the sake of the lieutenant who didn't deserve the angry dressing down he was receiving. This wasn't the Colonel O'neill that she or any of the SGC knew. He'd been less bothered about being knocked on his backside by sheer tom foolery in the past, laughing it off and cracking jokes.

Sam hasn't seen much of the Colonel since their last mission. She's tried to avoid him at every cost and he seems to have the same idea. On one occasion she had been sat with Teal'c in the commissary and he'd entered, only to grab a sandwich and swiftly leave. She had avoided his gaze and he had avoided hers, simply nodding at Teal'c as he left.

She was a fool to think that Teal'c hadn't noticed.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 _"Major Carter," Sam looks up from the device in front of her to see Teal'c entering her lab. He offers a hesitant, small and forced smile before pulling the door until it's closed. She has never seen the expression he holds on his face before._

 _"Hi Teal'c, is everything okay?" she gestures to the closed door._

 _"I wish to ask the same question of you," he told her, stepping closer to her._

 _"Yes, of course." She plants a fake smile on her face and tries to speak in an enthusiastic manner._

 _"You feel much guilt about Colonel O'Neill's current state." Trust Teal'c to get straight to the point. "You believe that it is your fault that he was captured by Ba'al."_

 _"Wasn't it?" Sam asks, unsure if she's looking for validation or redemption. She has barely slept since he went through the stargate with the Tok'ra. Her emotions had shifted from terrified to devastated when she was informed that Ba'al had captured her commanding officer. He hadn't wanted the symbiote in the first place; Sam had begged him to take it because hadn't been ready to watch him die. She had been selfish. "He didn't want the symbiote Teal'c. I pushed him to take it and then..." she shakes her head, unable to think about the horrific things that happened to him while he was gone._

 _"You did nothing that Daniel Jackson would not have done." Teal'c had wanted to have this conversation with her many times. He watched as her shoulders sag at the mention of Daniel Jackson. "O'neill is alive because of you."_

 _"Teal'c, he was tortured. He was killed. He-" her throat tightens as she begins to think about the horrible things that happened to her CO._

 _"He does not blame you. You must not blame yourself." He speaks with a stern tone. She looks up and meets his stare._

 _"I appreciate your concern Teal'c-"_

 _"It is both you and Colonel O'neill that concern me." He speaks slowly. Her heart drops as she wonders if he knows. "You and O'Neill both share a connection unlike any that I have witnessed. You give each other great power," he pauses._

 _"Teal'c-" she starts, not wanting to know where this conversation is leading._

 _"You must be careful. Such power can lead to the destruction of precious things." And with those words she knows that he knows what they did. A flush creeps up on her cheeks and she swallows a lump in her throat. "Do not allow what happened to O'neill to destroy you both." He is gone before she can react._

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

She sighs as she thinks about their actions on their last mission, about his whispered apologies as he emptied himself inside of her, pressing her into the ground with the sheer force of his hips. She thinks about the closely followed silence as he climbed off of her, leaving her empty and unsettled. He had looked at her, his mouth opening as though he wanted to speak, but shutting as though he had realised that there was nothing that he could possibly say. She had slowly pulled her pants up, ignoring the remnants of their joining between her legs. The Colonel had pulled his sleeping bag over his body and lay on his back with his eyes wide open, staring at the roof of the tent while she slowly turned her back to him and pretended to sleep.

In the morning she had clambered out of the empty tent to find him sat alone, finishing his watch. He hadn't looked at her but he had mumbled, "You okay?" as he focussed on lighting the small fire in front of him.

"Yes Sir," she answered, unsure of what else there was to say.

She doesn't think they've spoken since. He had called her this evening, hours after his outburst at the SGC but hadn't said a word. She had climbed into her car almost two hours ago. She had reached his house almost 45 minutes ago.

"Colonel?" Sam slowly pushes open the door of the Colonel's house and walks in.

"In here," she hears. She walks slowly into the living room and finds him sat in his favourite chair with a glass of whiskey in his hand. "You didn't have to come," he speaks slowly. He knew that she would.

"I know. I just wanted to check that you were okay." She knows that he's not. She knows that that he isn't even remotely okay.

"Drink?" he stands and begins preparing a drink before she can decline. She says nothing. His fingers graze hers as he hands her the glass and she realises it's the first time that he's touched her since he touched all of her. She shakes the memory from her head and sits across from him.

"I don't know what to say." She offers a few minutes later in the dim light of the living room. She surprises herself by starting the conversation "I'm sorry Sir, I-"

"You're sorry?" he asks, cutting her off, looking at her as though she's spoken in a different language. "Carter," he sighs, staring at his drink. "We both know that I started it." He's knows he's right, if anyone should be sorry it's him.

Sam bites her lip and takes a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking slowly. "As long as we both know that it can't happen again." She knows that her CO has probably come to the same conclusion, but she needs to vocalise it just to be sure. They had fought so hard to avoid temptation, they had already been through and given so much, they couldn't risk losing it all now.

"It shouldn't have happened." Jack avoids her gaze as he speaks. He knows that he pushed her, that he asked her to give up something that she had always held sacred. He had been selfish. A part of him knew that she would never reject him, that she would do anything to take away his pain. He's taken something from her that he had no right to take and he hates himself. He hates himself even more for wanting it again.

As she sits across of him in a skirt and blouse, her fists clenching and unclenching in nervousness, he wants to reach for her. He wants the pain to go away again, just like it had when he buried himself inside of her on the planet. The only relief he had had from the demons in his head were when he was on top of her, he so desperately wants that again.

After what seems like hours later he speaks again. "I don't blame him, Kanan. I understand why he went back, I would've done the same…" he trails off, they both know what he wants to say. He would never leave her behind. "He knew that."

Sam wonders if Kanan had been planning his mission long before the Colonel accepted him or if it happened because the Tok'ra had been exposed to the Colonel's strong moral standing. Perhaps the realisation that his new host would never have left someone that he cared about in the hands of Ba'al spurred him into action. She wondered if it was something that her CO had questioned himself.

"Ba'al enjoyed it." Jack speaks slowly. "Sometime it was knives, sometimes it was acid." He watches as Sam closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "He enjoyed watching me suffer… Watching me die." He isn't sure why he's talking now. Fraiser and McKenzie have been trying to get him to talking for weeks. Maybe he's spilling his secrets to her because he owes her, because she gave him something of herself and now he has to do the same.

"How many times?" Sam asks quietly, afraid of the answer. Part of her wants to know every detail, to truly understand what he went through at the hands of a monster, but part of her can't stand the thought of the horrific things that happened to him. She had read his mission report alone in her lab and cried. She wonders if she should explain herself, if she should tell him that she just couldn't stand the thought of him dying, that it was the only way to keep him with her. She decides against it, this isn't about appeasing her guilt, it's about him.  
She watches as he recounts the various deaths he endured at the hands of Ba'al and wills herself to hold it together.

"I don't know," Jack answers, shaking his head. He watches as the colour drains out of her face. "If I had known what he wanted to know…" he stops, wondering if he is about to give too much away. "I wold have told him-"

"You wouldn't," Sam doesn't allow him to finish his sentence. She knows him, she has seen him being threatened, tortured and tested and not once has he given up information. "You wouldn't have told him even if you'd known-"

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you. You have never… You would never-"

"This was different Carter!" He is almost angry at her. She doesn't understand how bad it was. She doesn't get that he was so desperate for the pain to stop that he would have done anything. Part of him thanks God that she doesn't know, part of him resents her naivety.

"Even when Daniel was there it was hell-"

"Daniel?" Sam asks, her eyes filled with confusion.

"He was there. He was with me." He sounds crazy. He knows this. He doesn't have the energy to try to understand or explain Daniel's presence. She doesn't ask him to.  
"I wanted to die." He says, utterly defeated. He stares ahead, unable to watch as she reacts to what he is saying. "I asked Daniel, begged him… " he closes his eyes. "There was nothing in the holding cell, if I could have done it myself I would've."

Sam swallows the lump in her throat. She can't even begin to think about a life without him in it. She can't begin to think about how desperate he must have been, about how bad the torture must have been to lead him to that point. She promises herself that she'll hunt Ba'al down and make him pay for what he's done and silently prays that she gets her hands on him before anyone else.

Jack closes his eyes. What would she think of him? How could she trust that he was capable of leading their team now that she knew that he had given up? He opens them and immediately meets her stare; she is looking directly at him her wide eyes are brimming with tears.

A few more drinks in and more silence is broken by another confession. "You're there, in the dreams." He doesn't know why he is telling her the secrets that he has been so desperate to keep, he supposes it's the least she deserves. "He kills you, he… slits your throat in front of me. Every damn time…" Jack trails off. "That's the worst part." His voice breaks as he remembers the fear in her eyes as the knife slices across her skin.

He closes his eyes. He can't lose it in front of her, that was for the middle of the night when he was alone. It was for when he woke up gasping for breath, sweating, convinced that she was dead.

He hears her shift and convinces himself that she's leaving, that he's said too much and she just can't hear anymore. He keeps his eyes closed, he doesn't want to watch her leave.  
Suddenly he feels her hands on the sides of his face and her lips are pressed against his.

"Carter-" he pulls away with a frown on his face. "What are you-" his voice is rough, barely a whisper.

"Sshhh," she silences him with her lips as he sits, stunned.

Sam knows that this is wrong, she knows that she told him that this couldn't happen again but she needs to feel him. Now that she realises just how close she came to losing him she needs to reassure herself that he's okay, that he survived. She slides her tongue into his mouth, desperate to block out the details of his ordeal. She needs to feel something other than despair, she needs to feel him. She feels him begin to respond to her, his tongue slowly meeting hers as he gives in to what is now inevitable. Both of them knew that if they slipped once it would be the beginning of the end.

In an instant Jack wraps an arm around Sam and tugs her towards him until she's straddling his lap, her hips settled on top of his hardening cock. Her chest is pressed tightly against his and any ounce of hesitation is gone as he devours her lips and mouth with his own. He rocks his hips against hers and his cock jumps when she moans into his mouth.

Sam rocks her hips once, twice, three times as she feels herself getting lost in his touch as the heat between her legs begins to feel unbearable.

Just like the first time there is nothing tender about their touches, it feels frantic and desperate and in just moments he is using one had to hold her tightly against him as the other is under her skirt pushing her underwear aside. He slides two fingers inside of her easily and twists before slowly dragging them out and then back in. She moans into his mouth involuntarily as his fingers curl inside of her. She gasps and her hips jerk as his thumb grazes her clit. His lips find her jaw and then her neck, she tastes like nothing he's ever tasted before. His teeth graze her neck and he can't help but bite a little when she grinds her hips against his hard on. He grows impossibly hard as his thumb strokes her clit again and she whimpers, her breath puffing against his cheek. He wants to feel her come on his fingers, to feel her tighten around them; it was something he had denied her of the first time and he's desperate to know how she sounds when she gets there.

With one hand she hands grasp the back of his head, crushing his lips against hers while the other is gripping his shoulder, fingers digging into his flesh through his shirt. She moans into his mouth as his thumbs moves against her clit in a circle and his fingers move inside of her. She rolls her hips again and again as she feels the beginning of the spark building.

Jack tears his lips from hers but pulls her closer as he feels her tense around his fingers, a sign of what is about to come. He falters only slightly when she leans back and shifts her hips so that the hand grasping his neck moves and begins to undo his zipper. It's his turn to grunt as she frees his cock and strokes it from base to tip. He grasps her hand and pulls it away gently. He doesn't want this to be over before he can fill her and find his peace. He returns to stroking and filling her with his fingers, more determined than ever to push her over the edge.

Sam tightens around his fingers and comes while her hips continue to move back and forth against his hand. "Ah…" she gasps, her mouth suddenly finding his as he continues to stroke her and she rides the waves of her orgasm.

He removes his fingers from her wetness and grasps his cock as she shakily lifts her hips. He presses the head against her entrance and pushes in slowly. They both groan as she slowly slides down onto him until he fills her completely, even after her orgasm and as wet as she is she's still tight and feels perfect. He grasps the back of her neck and presses his forehead against hers, needing a moment before they really start. Touching her, being inside of her is the only escape he has from the demons in his head and he doesn't want it to be over to soon. He hears her take a shaky breath and tightens the grip on her neck.

There is so much that he wants to say, so much that she deserves to hear but he just can't bring himself to say it so instead he slowly moves his hips and pushes up into her whilst pulling her hips down. Her hands grasp his shoulders as she allows him to set the pace.

He lifts her hips slowly, excruciatingly slowly so that she slides up and off of his cock, only to ease her back down and fill her all over again. He listens as she struggles to control her breathing. He closes his eyes and for just a second he is completely overwhelmed by the feeling of being inside her again.  
As though she can read his mind she plants her hands on his neck and whispers, "It's okay." She kisses his lips and rolls her hips. "It's okay," she repeats, lifting up and sliding down onto his hardness. She repeats the motion once, twice and suddenly he's there, one hand around her waist pulling her tightly against his chest and the other on her ass pulling and pushing her as he lift his hips and moves in and out of her.

His pace quickens as he moves towards redemption within her, he holds her tightly against him, wanting to be as close to her as is humanly possible while he is inside of her. His long thrusts become shorter and harder and he can feel her fingernails digging into his skin. He bites into her neck as his hips push against hers and over the sound of his own raging pulse he can hear her quietly moaning with each thrust, her teeth biting into her bottom lip to keep herself from crying out.

His hands grasp her ass and he manages to twist his hips as he slams into her. He only gains momentum when she moans against his neck, "Oh, God!" He continues to hit her from the new angle and she can't help but cry out with every thrust. Every syllable spurs him on and he grasps her hips, pulling them roughly down and up until he feels the beginning of his sweet release. Growling, he holds her hips still, tightly pressed against his as he empties himself inside of her, straining to be as deep inside of her as he can possibly be.

He presses his hands against her back, keeping her in place as he begins to slowly move his hips as he begins to soften. Even now she feels amazing and her walls clutch him tightly. She moves against him and rests her cheek against his as they both struggle to catch their breath and compose themselves. He didn't think anything could ever be more intense than their first time, he was so wrong.

Sam doesn't want him to stop moving, even half hard he feels so good. She doesn't want him to pull out of her, she wants to stay like this. She can't face the look on his face when the adrenaline wears off and he's reminded of his duty and honour. She can't stand the idea of the silence that will return. She can feel him starting to come back to real life as his grip on her begins to ease. Sam braces herself and begins to move when his hands tighten around her, holding her in place.

"Stay, just like this. Just for a little while." He whispers.

She nods, wraps an arm around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder as she wills herself not to cry.

 **I would love to know what you think. x**


End file.
